Swamp Rats Unite!
by culturedthespian
Summary: ONESHOT. Just a list of things that you guys should follow to become a true MASH fan. Of course, if there is anything you can think of to add, let me know! Just for fun.


You know you watch too much MASH when...

you've seen every episode at least 10 times.

you can't go a day without watching MASH.

you make chopper noises in your sleep.

you wear army fatigues and you're not even in the army.

you named your room "The Swamp"

you refer to your dining room as the mess tent.

you tell your kids there's a mine field in the backyard.

you plan a trip to Tokyo on your day off.

you name your kids Trapper and Hawkeye.

you start dreaming about it at night.

at dinner, you request "2 units of liver and fish - STAT."

you pay $50 bucks to have your phone number changed so the last 4 numbers are "4077"

you can't look at nearby mountains without humming "Suicide is Painless" and waiting for the choppers to show up

you're at the hospital and you look for nurses named Margaret and doctors named Hawkeye

the theme song brings a tear to your eye.

you're a man who walks around in a dress begging for a section eight and your not even in the army.

you walk across the street wearing a red bathrobe looking for the showers.

you wear a cowboy hat with your tuxedo

you cry whenever you see the last episode of MASH and just wish it wouldn't finish.

every time you hear a helicopter you look to the sky and wonder why you don't hear music.

you ask the waitress where the men's latrine is.

when you hear the weatherman say the word "Radar" you quickly look at the TV and are disappointed to see the regular weatherman.

you swear that martinis are your favorite drink ...and you've never had one.

you build a still from memory.

you call your boss 'colonel' and salute him/her.

you call your local pub 'the officers club'.

you order a jeep instead of a taxi.

you expect the incoming bus to be full of wounded but is instead full of passengers.

in a restaurant or at home, you want your meal served on a tray instead of plates.

you answer phone calls with '4077th MASH' instead of 'Hello'.

you smell all your food before you eat it.

you install a loudspeaker in your home to communicate with the family.

you yell, "mail call," when the mail is delivered.

when you sign your name in all capitals with asterisks between each letter.

when you look at your husbands combat boots and they remind you of Hawkeye's'

when you sign your checks with Alan Alda or you sign your name as a person from the show.

when you call the Operator and ask "Sparky" to place a stateside call and offer him a can of chipped beef if he'll do it.

when you have your own still in the living room

when you say "Ahhh, Bach" whenever you hear classic music

when everything seems to be "highly significant"

when you see a horse and you wonder if her name is Sophie.

you name your guinea-pigs Babbett,

when you swear you say H.E. double toothpicks.

when you walk into a bar and order a Grape Ne-Hi

when your convinced suicide IS painless.

when you start naming inanimate objects after characters.

when someone makes a joke, you say that you're not in the mood for "jocularity."

when your wardrobe consists of nothing but Hawaiian shirts.

when you refer to your knife and fork as a scalpel and retractor.

whenever you ask for time off work, you ask for a weekend pass in Tokyo.

when you only feel comfortable making out in a supply room.

you never stop bitching about the food whenever you're at an all-you-can-eat-buffet.

you talk about MASH in your sleep

you order 3 cases of chocolate at the finest chocolate makers in Boston every Christmas, even though you don't even live in Boston

your children have to watch MASH as a part of their education

you can't sleep if you haven't seen MASH that day

you turn on the tv and you expect to see MASH on, no matter what time it is

you expect everybody knows it and likes it

you refuse to carry a gun, even if no-one expects you to do so

you can't make out without watching MASH

you hang a sign on your door saying: 'the swamp' or 'major M.Houlihan, knock before entering'

you sleep with a teddybear, which you got from your brother, who was a boxboy in a supermarket.

you are disappointed when you run into a priest that doesn't box

you refuse to wear your captain's bars, even though you haven't got any

you complain about being drafted, even though you're not in the army.

you know the serial numbers of all the MASH characters by heart.

you wear dogtags with your or a character's name, rank, bloodgroup and serial number.

your room is decorated with pictures from MASH.

you pay a million bucks to have a Korean houseboy called Ho-Jon

you drink 2 martini's for breakfast

you spend the last half-hour making up dumb obsessions for the MASH-homepage

you refuse to respond to anything but Hawkeye or Hot Lips

you take cold showers for the fun of it

you call the bar tender Rosie

you call your waiter Igor

you call every receptionist Radar or Klinger

you wear combat boots with everything you own and you wear them wherever you go

you have a tower of tongue depressors on display in your living room

you have sock puppets that look like all the characters

if, to punish your children, instead of sending them to their room, you 'confine them to quarters.'

when you pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.

instead of quitting your job, you say you resign your commission.

if you record the episodes on audio tape and play them in the car while driving.

when you swear you have an imaginary friend named "Tuttle"

you have a rack of spam for every easter.

when you call all the people you don't like "Ferret-Face".

When you put your clothes in a footlocker at the bottom of your bed instead of in the dresser.

when you set up a tent in your bedroom equipped with cots, a still and a few roommates and call it the swamp.

why you keep wondering if your money is counterfeit because it green and not red.

you wear fishing lures on every hat you own.

you brush your teeth with water you pour into a helmet.

instead of taking the promotion at work from bag boy to Manager, you tell your boss, "just promote me to Corporal Captain, and we'll call it even."

you're fired at air traffic control for re-routing all planes because of sightings of a large bird with pink feet in the area.

If you call your mom 'Hotlips' and your father 'Frank'

when you are sleep-deprived from staying up until 1am every night just to see an episode you've already seen 5 times.

you look to buy stock in a company called 'Pioneer Aviation'

while ordering breakfast at the local diner you say, 'I'll have two

scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of WW2 surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.'

you no longer watch tv since your station stopped showing MASH

you practice putting in your quarters

you cringe when you hear the name Frank

you eat SPAM even though you don't like it and aren't forced to eat it

for Halloween you are either Super Man or a clown

if no matter who you're writing to, your letters all begin with "Dear Sigmund".

you know you're obsessed when you spend your vacation watching your uncles MASH videos because you don't have a station near your house that carries it.

you yell "incoming" when your mother-in-law comes to visit

your ultimate dream is to be able to turn on the t.v. at anytime and have a MASH episode be on.

if you had enough money, you would buy a t.v. station and create the  
MASH channel, all MASH, all the time.

When you begin to call your friends "B.J.", "Trapper", "Radar", or "Margaret".

you holler at the waiter for telling you the day's specials are liver and fish

you dress in Army green pants and either a Hawaiian shirt or kaki T-shirt everyday

your last wish is to be buried with a copy of GFA

you'll do anything to see a movie called "The Moon is Blue"

you'll only eat if the recipe came from "Secrets of the MASH Mess"

When you begin to refer to you parents as "Colonel Father, sir" and "Major Mom, ma'am".

if you know a five letter Yiddish word for bedbug.

when you see a sign that says "Speed checked by radar" and you start looking for a short guy wearing glasses...

when you haven't left your seat for a couple weeks because you keep watching MASH videos

when you use bedpans instead of toilets in your house

when you download every MASH sound off of the internet

when you insist on using your brother Wendal's birth certificate to get drafted

when you have sex in liver and onions

when you have a servant that you insist on calling Young-Hi

when you mail a jeep piece by piece to anywhere in the world

You went out and bought a copy of 'The Last of the Mohicans' just to add to your MASH related video(or book) collection.

you let your son name his ferret Frank.

you actually sat and watched EVERY episode of MASH in order from start to finish in a single sitting.

whenever you hear the term "chief surgeon" or "head nurse", you immediately think of Hawkeye or Margaret

when you dig foxholes in your yard in case of an air-raid

when the sound of a sputtering airplane scares you because you think it's 5 o'clock Charlie

**if you actually made it to the end of this list...**


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